So, we are all aware of what presenting means, right? For those whose copy of their trans dictionary has yet to be delivered, it’s more or less the act of assuming appropriate gender in public. The idea of presenting is kind of weird, isn’t it? Presenting necessitates by definition a sort of introduction. With every observer, it’s almost like ‘hi, I am <girl name> please believe me.’ Presenting almost seems like a false idea. Do people present as themselves? Sure, but it’s not a conscious effort most times. Well, it’s not a conscious effort until you have to battle years of damage from the wrong hormones and learn a new psychosocial role. Early in this sort of process, it feels a lot like nonverbal yearning for acceptance, and not only from external observers.
It feels a lot like trying hard (but not too hard, because failure (or even neutrality or apathy from observers) after such extreme effort can be devastating and even that fear of crushing failure is enough to potentially tip the person trying into dangerous territory wherein they themselves are responsible for their own horrible depression before they even step foot out of their front door) and crossing fingers, all while monitoring every escape route just in case. A substantial amount of bravery is needed, at least for me, to step into the wild without five layers and enough compression to make my chest feel like a slow motion heart attack. I’m getting used to the idea of the future, and I know it gets better, but I am still scared. Every time I am in a store I still have a few minutes of paralyzing fear at random, but luckily it’s getting less and less and one day it might even go away. I know this. In the mean time, I’m just hoping to present/pass well enough to not attract the wrong kind of attention.
That’s really the thing. I’m in transition in so many forms of the word. It’s not just for you, dear reader. There is always a certain amount of convincing and accepting that I need to do for myself. I am able, for the most part, to walk around and not hide everything. I can go to various stores and be around groups and feel ok about 95% of the time. However, for the foreseeable future, I’m still just presenting basically my hopes and dreams to a public that probably doesn’t really give a shit. That’s a double edged sword, and it doesn’t take much to see the potential of either side.
I just want to be. I am tired of being as. Does that make sense? I don’t want to show up 'as' <girl name> to wherever. I want to show up. I know how I show up, which is the first step of course, but it’s potentially very different for everyone else. Showing up as a person I am is much easier than showing up as a person I was not during the Dark Ages, but it’s not quite perfect yet. It will be easier with folks who will only know me as <girl name> in the future. It’s a bit more difficult for those who knew me as <boy name> in the past. It’s a great deal more difficult for me to believe me. It’s a long trek from ‘being as’ to ‘just being’ which is no surprise to anyone, I trust.
When does a trans person stop seeing the person they used to be in a mirror? I don’t have the answer to that, but one day I hope to. The answer to that question is probably way more complicated than I can imagine right now. Give me a few months, and I’ll understand the gravity of that question a bit better.
Even such a simple action as going into the correct bathroom becomes a matter of either ‘horrible defeat and a feeling of inescapable futility’ or ‘success until next time.’ I know who I am and I can dig that. Now, it’s kind of up to other people to believe that as well. As an example, just now I could have simply walked into the boy’s room, sidled on up to the urinal, make a few grunts or whatever, and let loose trying to avoid splash back. It’s right there, but these days I just keep walking over to the other side. I could probably still pull off a boy mode for a few minutes or whatever. But it’s not that. It’s not because I have pretty obvious breasts. It’s not because I am aware of who frequents such places and what they talk about with their dick in hand. No, I don’t go in there because it’s a lie. That’s probably a really good indicator of my progress so far, actually.
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