Found!

What does a girl feel like when they are alone?  No idea.  I always assumed it would be different than boys feel like when they are alone.  Honestly, I had always hoped being alone would be different, because I don’t know how boys get any work done with one hand perpetually in their pants and I got things to do.  Of course, I was ostensibly a boy for a while, but I couldn’t say how a boy felt when alone.

See, I’m sitting here and I don’t necessarily feel like a girl.  Now, that’s mostly because I have precious little knowledge of how a girl is supposed to feel when they are alone, but also because of the weird ideas males are given when referring to girls that are alone.  Because there isn’t much non-creepy documentation on this subject (which are wildly inaccurate anyway as it turns out), that leaves me feeling curious and potentially bewildered.  How should I be sitting?  How should my posture be?  Where do my hands go?  How often should I be adjusting these things?  All of these questions and I have no way to know for sure whether or not I’m doing this right or if whatever I’m doing is reasonable but, of course, absolutely none of it matters.

I feel like me.

I am awake and present and aware.  This is more than I could have said for anytime in the past.  I feel connected to myself, and it doesn’t really matter right now whether or not I’m presenting well in sweatpants and a comfy sweater.  It doesn’t matter that my hair looks a bit like that cute bobble thing that quails have.  Even the strange, newly foreign and luckily easily hidden bulge in my pants doesn’t matter right now either.  Not because I am alone, but because it’s me and I can accept that.

See, I wanted to fit in so badly for so long.  I thought for sure that if I learned the mannerisms and actions, I could fit right in.  It turns out it wasn’t fitting in with others that was so important.  It was fitting in with myself.  I have a lot to learn, of course.  I sometimes stand with my hips forward, which would be more strange if I had any visible pant-apparati, but nonetheless.  I have a bit of trouble keeping the right voice.  Also, I have trouble with color coordination, but that is probably a different issue altogether.  Anyway, I have things to learn, but it’s going to be a lot easier now that I am starting to forget what the distance actually felt like.