Alright, so we are carving pumpkins tonight, as I said before, of course. I have not carved many pumpkins in my day, but the few I have were good times. Anyway, we’re doing this with a few folks that the missus works with in about two hours. Because we are not mixing her work and my transition, I am going in full boy mode. I am currently practicing. I am not liking this.
I am way nervous. I have to be in boy mode, because I really don’t want to get pumpkin innards all up in. Can’t wear a hoodie for the same reason, which means all I got is yellow fingernails. At least it’s something. It’s like going for a walk that lasted years and years and finally being at your front door with your key in hand ready for hot cocoa, and you have to go walk around the block a few more times even though it’s crazy cold out and you know the solution, but something keeps you from it. Not a great metaphor, but I think you get the idea. This sure ain’t the last time this will happen, and that doesn’t help the weird distance thing I feel about the evening.
On one hand, I have no idea why I’m nervous. On the other, I know exactly why. I imagine, dear reader, you might have an idea as well. If not, see the metaphor above. Turns out that one might be better than I originally thought.
See, it’s a weird time, you know. I feel weird in boy mode, but am far from girl mode. Comfortable is somewhere in between, obviously, but finding that balance of where I want to be and where others expect me to be is proving difficult. Of course, this loss of comfort will be like this to some degree for a long time. Knowing that there will be an extended period of periodic unpleasantness does not improve the situation. Knowing that one day, farther down the road than I like but still within sight, that the unpleasantness will be resolved does improve the situation. All about balance, you know. Aristotle said so. Must be true.
It’ll only be a couple of hours, anyway. It’s kind of like an itch too deep to scratch sort of feeling.
Even better, maybe it’s like this. Surely you have had the flu, dear reader. You are, of course, familiar with the flu stomach, where your abdomen feels like it’s being compressed along with that dull ache and sort of ever-present fluctuating nausea, right? That point not where everything is leaving from one end or the other, no. I’m talking about that point in time when it’s still building pressure and even though you know it will be better later, you’re going to feel really fucking terrible first. An ache so deep and so tight, that if you could reach it with a heating pad or even your hot, feverish hand, you know you could make it feel just a little better. At this point, any amount of relief, no matter how small, would improve your situation exponentially. Of course, it’s too deep, too unreachable, and waiting is the only solution. Moving only increases that feeling, so you move your eyes and nothing else, and even then only to watch the clock. The only way out is after far too many turns of the hour hand which is moving far too slow because you need to feel better and every small thing reminds you acutely of that crushing pain too far away to be soothed but oh so close that it’s all there is. You know very well that feeling, I trust. So do I. Right now, I can mostly keep that sick feeling away. Soon, though, I’ll just be watching the clock, trying not to move too much.
I am mildly cheered up by the fact that I will, at that time, be allowed to mangle a large vegetable thing with a knife and a shovel-like thing. Usually that cheers me up anyway, even if ain’t approaching Halloween.
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