Names are kind of weird, huh? Just a string of letters. Of course, names are words. Small pieces of speech, pushed together and assigned a target and meaning. Not too many words, though, resonate with an individual more strongly than their own name. As kids grow, the meaning of their name expands to be not only a reference to themselves, but a single word representation of their thoughts and actions. Somewhere along the way, the person makes their name their own.
If a person learns the word avocado before having knowingly perceived an avocado, the word is just an empty handful of syllables. At that point, that person’s impression of an avocado is based solely on high level processes inferred from the source of the word. Was it spoken to the individual as a danger or threat? Was it spoken to emphasize the wonders of the avocado? Without direct perception, the individual only learns about the avocado from others, be it from books or people around them.
It could probably safely be argued that knowledge concerning avocados is based in fact. Excepting those looking to advance an anti-avocado agenda, it can be assumed that there is significant truth in the information shared about avocados. Indeed, direct perception of an avocado would reinforce or debunk those qualities heretofore described. Post-identification, the avocado converts from four syllables in a row to all number of qualities and characteristics held by the avocado.
Identification of a person can kind of run along these same lines. Perception of self is loose and dynamic, making it difficult to pin down in the early years. Here, a name is just a word with very fluid definitions. Of course, this sense becomes more solid as time goes on, but continues to be fluid to at least some degree. As personal traits and actions become more individual, a person’s name takes on those qualities, as well as being a signifier for that individual.
As an example, <boy name> doesn’t just refer to my person, but also past actions and activities. Just as your name doesn’t just mean you. When thought of, people don’t exist in a vacuum. A name brings to mind not only the perception of an individual, but also unavoidably their actions.
What happens when an individual, through various changes in life, has a need to change their first name? For those who knew the individual before the change, ideas and characteristics are carried over to the new name. Even if the changing individual wishes to leave certain parts behind, it is not up to them. Barring extreme circumstances, there is no tabula rasa stage. Only a hope in the changing individual that present and future actions and activities can make old perceptions fall into obsolescence.
As I am currently in transition, with progress moving along remarkably quickly but well, I also need to look ahead to changing my name. I look back and know I did some things well, some things poorly, and some things were out of my control. However, I’m not looking for a blank slate. My past is mine, for better or worse, and it would be foolish and inappropriate to ignore.
The official name change will be coming along sooner rather than later by all measures and appearances. At that point, and indeed starting now with the introduction, I hope that folks will not forget the past many years. I hope that folks don’t just erase and forget what I did throughout my relationship with them. I hope that folks will understand. I have a need to grow into a new name soon. Right now, only a first name is decided. The rest has changed around some recently, and there are ideas for what I’d like, but right now only the first name is final. All three names will change in time, not to leave the past behind but more to show that the changes are that significant.
I cannot pretend to be able to control how I was seen in the past or will be seen in the future. I can only try my best, and ask people to keep a close eye on me. I have a lot to learn.
-S
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